tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-61470622012-02-16T02:26:24.944-08:00One must envision life as though taking a cat napThought Minionnoreply@blogger.comBlogger1351100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6147062.post-70099354991840126932007-12-14T15:45:00.000-08:002007-12-30T19:47:30.512-08:00

Thought Minionnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6147062.post-35248375233223578952007-10-14T22:59:00.000-07:002007-10-14T23:00:27.579-07:00

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it."Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.The doctor

Thought Minionnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6147062.post-89758108190078995402007-10-13T05:49:00.000-07:002007-10-13T05:53:57.894-07:00

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

Thought Minionnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6147062.post-17005240818210022762007-08-10T18:46:00.000-07:002007-08-10T18:49:34.724-07:00

Two Scottish women had just arrived to the US by boat when one said to the other, "I heard that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs.""Odd," her companion replied, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."Nodding emphatically, the first woman pointed to a hot dog vendor and they both walked towards it."Two dogs, please," said one.The vendor was only

Thought Minionnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6147062.post-15879255624426618392007-08-07T14:38:00.000-07:002007-08-07T14:42:40.780-07:00

Pencil removed from woman's head after 55 yearsMon Aug 6, 9:08 AM ETA 59-year-old German woman has had most of a pencil removed from inside her head after suffering nearly her whole life with the headaches and nosebleeds it caused, Bild newspaper reported Monday.Margret Wegner fell over carrying the pencil in her hand when she was four."The pencil went right through my skin -- and disappeared

Thought Minionnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6147062.post-6256811151965888332007-08-05T07:57:00.001-07:002007-08-05T08:03:46.608-07:00

Marilyn Monroe is found deadAugust 5, 1962 Movie actress Marilyn Monroe is found dead in her home in Los Angeles. She was discovered lying nude on her bed, face down, with a telephone in one hand. Empty bottles of pills, prescribed to treat her depression, were littered around the room. After a brief investigation, Los Angeles police concluded that her death was "caused by a self-administered

Thought Minionnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6147062.post-74516998818470241392007-08-04T09:52:00.000-07:002007-08-04T09:57:43.908-07:00

32,000 quarters leak onto Wis. roadsFri Aug 3, 4:53 AM ETImagine the ringing noise of 32,000 quarters hitting the pavement.An armored car company reported losing $8,000 in quarters along highways in two Wisconsin counties last month. About half has been returned."I guess somebody found that and figured it was an early Christmas," Jefferson County Detective Sgt. Lawrence Lee said.Eight-hundred

Thought Minionnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6147062.post-19293893459151570962007-08-03T21:28:00.000-07:002007-08-03T21:40:09.291-07:00

Armless man gets 5 years for drivingFri Aug 3, 5:06 PM ETA man with no arms and one leg who wouldn't stop driving despite a long list of traffic violations was sentenced to five years in prison Friday on felony driving and drug charges.Michael Francis Wiley, 40, also was sentenced to 15 years of drug offender probation. He pleaded no contest in June to the charges."I'd just like to say I know

Thought Minionnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6147062.post-25048701762130395082007-07-29T07:27:00.000-07:002007-07-29T09:10:41.998-07:00

Fla. man, 88, becomes an Eagle ScoutSun Jul 29, 6:27 AM ETMore than a half-century after he finished the requirements to earn the rank, an 88-year-old man was honored as an Eagle Scout on Saturday, making him possibly the oldest person to ever collect the honor.Walter Hart couldn't become an Eagle Scout at the time he earned the rank because his service in World War II got in the way."I've been

Thought Minionnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6147062.post-1167239157623320722006-12-27T09:04:00.000-08:002006-12-27T09:05:57.636-08:00

Woman fakes kidnapping to avoid workWed Dec 27, 2006 8:48 AM ETBERLIN (Reuters) - A 21-year-old German woman who did not feel like going to work at a fast food restaurant sent her parents a text message saying she had been kidnapped.Police in the Bavarian town of Straubing said Wednesday they had launched a massive search throughout the region for the woman who disappeared on December 23 but

Thought Minionnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6147062.post-1165718601467476522006-12-09T18:35:00.000-08:002006-12-09T18:43:21.480-08:00

in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in an Armani suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie (Corb), leans out the window and asks the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully

Thought Minionnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6147062.post-1162132726947664572006-10-29T06:27:00.000-08:002006-10-29T06:41:41.623-08:00

World's most expensive car wash (Watch the movie for the full story)World's most expensive car wash worth more than $10,000. Believe it or not, if you want this man to wash your car for you its gonna cost you a pretty penny. This is officialy the most expensive car wash on the planet and its only for supercars. He will not wash Seats of VWs. Only Porsches, Ferraris, Maseratis, Lambos and so on..

Thought Minionnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6147062.post-1162064549940525112006-10-28T12:36:00.000-07:002006-10-28T12:45:13.976-07:00

Japanese champ to defend burger titleFri Oct 27, 9:34 PM ETJapanese competitive eater Takeru Kobayashi will try to defend his title in a Tennessee hamburger-eating contest in which he is undefeated. He is among 13 finalists that are going to Chattanooga, headquarters of fast-food chain Krystal Co., to eat as many small, square hamburgers as they can in eight minutes. Kobayashi took the title in

Thought Minionnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6147062.post-1161960715609244462006-10-27T07:49:00.000-07:002006-10-27T07:51:55.633-07:00

Because we don't already have enough fried foods..Fri Oct 27, 2006 8:48 AM ETNEW YORK, Oct 26 (Reuters Life!) - A new fast food is making its debut at U.S. fairs this fall -- fried Coke.Abel Gonzales, 36, a computer analyst from Dallas, tried about 15 different varieties before coming up with his perfect recipe -- a batter mix made with Coca-Cola syrup, a drizzle of strawberry syrup, and some

Thought Minionnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6147062.post-1161792348954674332006-10-25T09:04:00.000-07:002006-10-25T20:01:55.273-07:00

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?", St. Peter asked."Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him on the head,

Thought Minionnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6147062.post-1161746057731037012006-10-24T19:59:00.000-07:002006-10-24T20:14:17.743-07:00

The Zen of Gadgets~ Faucet Light

Thought Minionnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6147062.post-1161580738252829812006-10-22T22:17:00.000-07:002006-10-22T22:18:58.266-07:00

Thought Minionnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6147062.post-1161443708018524702006-10-21T08:14:00.000-07:002006-10-21T08:21:00.443-07:00

create your own visited states map

Thought Minionnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6147062.post-1161397504191687552006-10-20T19:23:00.000-07:002006-10-20T19:25:04.203-07:00

It's easy to make a buck. It's a lot tougher to make a difference.~Tom Brokaw

Thought Minionnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6147062.post-1161292140082231692006-10-19T14:08:00.000-07:002006-10-21T08:30:36.763-07:00

Urinals Shaped Like Woman's Mouth Cause Stir in ViennaThursday , October 19, 2006VIENNA, Austria — An Austrian businessman announced Thursday that he would get rid of urinals shaped like a woman's mouth from a public toilet near Vienna's national opera, after facing pressure from politicians who demanded their removal.The urinals, which are located in the "Opera Toilet," a lavishly decorated

Thought Minionnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6147062.post-1161213753703685062006-10-18T16:21:00.000-07:002006-10-18T16:22:33.720-07:00

Turkey Testicle Festival can keep nameTue Oct 17, 11:46 PM ETOrganizers of fourth annual Turkey Testicle Festival can keep their name, despite concerns about the propriety of the word and the island's virtue.The Fort Myers Beach Council voted 4-1 Monday to allow the Surf Club bar to use the Turkey Testicle Festival name after a laugh-out-loud discussion, according to the News-Press.Councilman

Thought Minionnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6147062.post-1161107618828958542006-10-17T10:52:00.000-07:002006-10-17T10:53:38.840-07:00

She decided to assess his condition by administering a Rorschach test.She showed him the first inkblot and said, "Tell me what you see."The man answered, "I see people having sex."She made a note, and then showed him the next card.Again, he said, "I see people having sex."After a third, fourth, and fifth card, he kept saying the same thing:"People having sex."When he said the same thing the sixth

Thought Minionnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6147062.post-1161000333000698172006-10-16T05:04:00.000-07:002006-10-16T05:05:33.016-07:00

The world is full of willing people, some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.~ Robert Frost

Thought Minionnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6147062.post-1160978753164914742006-10-15T23:01:00.000-07:002006-10-15T23:05:53.196-07:00

Chef makes wedding gown with cream puffsBy MATT HAGENGRUBER, Associated Press WriterThu Oct 12, 7:02 PM ETValentyn Shtefano's pastries were known for attracting stares and giggles as well as lip-smacking murmurs. But even his fiancee was surprised when Shtefano told her he was making her wedding dress — out of flour, eggs, sugar and caramel.The dress — made of 1,500 cream puffs and weighing 20

Thought Minionnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6147062.post-1160829351413582382006-10-14T05:17:00.000-07:002006-10-14T05:35:51.426-07:00

Quick-footed thieves snag 39 iPods in 15 secondsOkay, so iPods might be easy to flip on eBay, but cruising around with 39 hot PMPs in the trunk of your car (and a stash of PlayStation 2 games to boot) probably isn't the best way to welcome yourself to Utah.Three New Yorkers apparently took those crime dramas a bit too seriously as they acquired "maps of every Target store in Utah and Nevada," and

Thought Minionnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6147062.post-1160766408837676342006-10-13T12:04:00.000-07:002006-10-13T12:06:48.850-07:00

from "Ask Yahoo"Workin' nine to five, what a way to make a livin' -- but before 1938, many Americans spent sunrise to sunset on the job, six days a week. And you thought your job was bad.Workers agitated for a 10-hour day as early as the 1820s. Laws were passed reducing work hours for U.S. federal employees and for women workers in a couple states, but these were poorly enforced and mostly

Thought Minionnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6147062.post-1160671451470406282006-10-12T09:39:00.000-07:002006-10-12T09:44:11.486-07:00

Wed Oct 11, 11:18 PM ETA 60-year-old man visiting La Crosse to help his elderly mother spent 17 hours in jail this week after a background check during a routine traffic stop uncovered an arrest warrant for a 1984 ticket.Michael L. Saxton of Phoenix, said he never knew about the citation for failure to display boat registration numbers that the Wisconsin Circuit Court Access Consolidated Court

Thought Minionnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6147062.post-1160575221758881922006-10-11T06:57:00.000-07:002006-10-11T07:02:21.823-07:00

If you think you are too small to be effective,you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.~Anonymous

Thought Minionnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6147062.post-1160483308095733602006-10-10T05:27:00.000-07:002006-10-10T05:28:28.113-07:00

Sun Oct 8, 2:39 PM ETDespite heavy rains that stunted pumpkin growth, a Rhode Island farmer has set what could be a new record for the largest pumpkin in the world.Ron Wallace's pumpkin weighed 1,502 pounds at Saturday's weigh-off competition, heavier than the current Guinness World Record-holding 1,469-pound pumpkin grown last year by Larry Checkon of Pennsylvania.Wallace said at the 13th annual

Thought Minionnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6147062.post-1160407702127587572006-10-09T08:27:00.000-07:002006-10-09T08:28:22.150-07:00

"Anybody who wants to go to heaven, stand up."Everybody stands up except for a drunk man in the corner.The preacher says "My son, don't you want to go to heaven when you die?"The drunk man says "When I die? Sure. I thought you were taking a load up now."

Thought Minionnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6147062.post-1160320873286902702006-10-08T08:19:00.000-07:002006-10-08T08:21:13.310-07:00

Sports fan names newborn son ESPNSat Oct 7, 9:16 AM ETLeann Real promised her husband, an avid sports fan, that if they ever had a son he'd get to pick the name. ESPN Montana Real was born this week at Biloxi Regional Medical Center.Rusty Real, of D'Iberville, chose ESPN (pronounced Espen) after the sports network and Montana after football legend Joe Montana.Baby ESPN isn't alone.Three others

Thought Minionnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6147062.post-1160225478319427052006-10-07T05:48:00.000-07:002006-10-07T05:52:24.306-07:00

Hershey Foods Sets Record for Largest Chocolate Candy with HERSHEY'S KISSES Brand Rich Dark ChocolateNEW YORK, July 31 /PRNewswire-FirstCall/ -- Hershey Foods Corporation has just unveiled the World's Largest HERSHEY(R)'S KISSES(R) Chocolate in New York City to celebrate its latest masterpiece, HERSHEY'S KISSES Brand Rich Dark Chocolates.The World's Largest HERSHEY'S KISSES Chocolate is six feet

Thought Minionnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6147062.post-1160162116555486722006-10-06T12:12:00.000-07:002006-10-06T12:15:16.570-07:00

Malaysia to levy fines for poor speechThu Oct 5, 7:52 AM ETMalaysia will levy fines on those incorrectly using the national language, and will set up a specialized division to weed out offenders who mix Malay with English, news reports said Thursday.Culture, Arts and Heritage Minister Rais Yatim said fines of up to 1,000 ringgit ($271) can be imposed on displays with any wrong or mutated form of

Thought Minionnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6147062.post-1160060841367007732006-10-05T08:06:00.000-07:002006-10-05T08:07:21.383-07:00

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some folks just don't have any film.

Thought Minionnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6147062.post-1159976234049774922006-10-04T08:35:00.000-07:002006-10-04T08:37:14.180-07:00

Ark. woman shows up drunk at DWI hearingTue Oct 3, 10:53 PM ETA Little Rock woman facing her fifth drunken-driving charge in the span of a year — and third in less than a month — showed up to a court appearance drunk Tuesday morning, a court official said.Susan Marshall, 55, was arrested for contempt of court after a brief appearance in Little Rock District Court, said chief probation officer

Thought Minionnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6147062.post-1159883049523076012006-10-03T06:43:00.000-07:002006-10-03T06:46:57.530-07:00

A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

Thought Minionnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6147062.post-1159801395116762972006-10-02T08:02:00.000-07:002006-10-02T08:03:15.130-07:00

Patient: How much to have this tooth pulled?Dentist: $100.00.Patient: $100.00 for just a few minutes work?Dentist: Well, I can extract it very slowly if you like.

Thought Minionnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6147062.post-1159715125944453792006-10-01T08:02:00.000-07:002006-10-01T08:05:25.956-07:00

Escaped hamster interrupts jet flightFri Sep 29, 10:49 AM ETIt wasn't "Snakes on a Plane," but an Austrian Airlines jet made an unscheduled stop Friday after a passenger sneaked a hamster aboard and the rodent escaped. The flight from Palma de Mallorca, Spain, to the southern Austrian city of Graz made a stop in Innsbruck so officials could search for the hamster and make sure it didn't gnaw

Thought Minionnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6147062.post-1159624731053754712006-09-30T06:58:00.000-07:002006-09-30T06:58:51.066-07:00

"The things that come to those who wait, will be the things left by those who got there first."

Thought Minionnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6147062.post-1159535252364058792006-09-29T05:55:00.000-07:002006-09-29T06:07:32.410-07:00

a Hammond man tried to blow up the house of the neighbor he felt was responsible for the damaged spectacles, police said.Prosecutors charged David Michielsen, 6529 Alexander St., with detonating a destructive device with intent to intimidate or destroy and manufacturing a destructive device.Michielsen, 27, faces 58 years in prison if convicted of both counts.The neighbor told police she was at

Thought Minionnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6147062.post-1159447448140849542006-09-28T05:43:00.000-07:002006-09-28T05:44:08.156-07:00

at public school. His mother decides to send him to private school to rectify the situation. Lo and behold, after a semester in the new private Catholic school, the boy's grades were straight A's, even in math!Surprised, his mother asked him how he liked his new school."Oh, it's all right, I guess," he replies."They must be teaching you some new tricks!""Not really.""Then what do you think is

Thought Minionnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6147062.post-1159363720946413562006-09-27T06:25:00.001-07:002006-09-27T07:49:46.010-07:00

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:1. He called everyone brother.2. He liked Gospel.3. He couldn't get a fair trial.But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:1. He went into His Father's business.2. He lived at home until he was 33.3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God.But then there were 3 equally good arguments that

Thought Minionnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6147062.post-1159288565641087952006-09-26T09:35:00.000-07:002006-09-26T20:08:33.023-07:00

There was once a man who was in a bar, terribly drunk.The bartender noticed this, and when he asked for another beer, the bartender politely told him that he was too drunk to be served another drink.The man leaves.He then walks in the side door and asks the bartender for a beer. A little frustrated, the bartender repeats the answer he said before.The man leaves.He comes in the other side door,

Thought Minionnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6147062.post-1159204758168587882006-09-25T10:17:00.000-07:002006-09-25T10:19:18.183-07:00

Sat Sep 23, 7:29 AM ETA police sting took an odd turn when an officer pretending to be a john met a suspected prostitute pretending to be an officer.Police spokesman Sgt. Tom Connellan said here's what happened Thursday:A male undercover officer driving in a neighborhood known for prostitution was flagged down by a woman. The woman got in his car and they went to a nearby parking lot to negotiate

Thought Minionnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6147062.post-1159105876131959522006-09-24T06:50:00.000-07:002006-09-24T06:51:16.150-07:00

and picked out a large box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over and asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do."Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog.""But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog," said the grocer. "It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him."But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the

Thought Minionnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6147062.post-1159016612695343412006-09-23T05:53:00.000-07:002006-09-23T06:03:32.730-07:00

Hijacked FrequenciesA man was in a long line at Target. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register.She asked, "What size condoms?" The customer replied that he didn't know.She asked him to drop his pants. He did.She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom,

Thought Minionnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6147062.post-1158929451044731592006-09-22T05:49:00.000-07:002006-09-22T05:50:51.056-07:00

when an old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line and began waiting for a fish to bite.He was there for almost an hour without even a nibble when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not too far from the old man and dropped in his fishing line. It only took about a minute and WHAM! a Largemouth Bass hit his hook and the boy

Thought Minionnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6147062.post-1158849714871919982006-09-21T07:40:00.000-07:002006-09-21T07:46:22.476-07:00

Wed Sep 20, 10:58 PM ETA drunken Chinese migrant worker jumped into a panda enclosure at the Beijing Zoo, was bitten by the bear and retaliated by chomping down on the animal's back, state media said Wednesday.Zhang Xinyan, from the central province of Henan, drank four jugs of beer at a restaurant near the zoo before visiting Gu Gu the panda on Tuesday, the Beijing Morning Post said."He felt a

Thought Minionnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6147062.post-1158808062500520102006-09-20T20:07:00.000-07:002006-09-20T20:07:42.513-07:00

sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini.The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta

Thought Minionnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6147062.post-1158677250941449442006-09-19T07:46:00.000-07:002006-09-19T07:47:30.966-07:00

One day his oldest came to him and said that since he was graduating from high school, he would really like to get a car.His father said, "Son, come here." He took him to the barn and pointed to the tractor and said, "This tractor is needed for the farm and I promise, as soon as it's paid for, we'll get you a car".The boy was not too happy, but was understanding.A week later, his second son

Thought Minionnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6147062.post-1158619653626370732006-09-18T15:46:00.000-07:002006-09-18T15:47:33.640-07:00

Police in Oakland , California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home.After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up."

Thought Minionnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6147062.post-1158501108310416392006-09-17T06:51:00.000-07:002006-09-17T06:51:48.323-07:00

who took her cat with her on rides.During one trip, the driver dropped her at a mall before gassing up. The cat remained in the car, laying down on the top of the limousine's back seat.While at the service station, the chauffeur noticed the attendant glancing often at the unusual passenger.Finally, he asked: "Sir, is that cat someone important?"

Thought Minionnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6147062.post-1158413123418228202006-09-16T06:24:00.000-07:002006-09-16T06:25:23.420-07:00

on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare

Thought Minionnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6147062.post-1158325313958105252006-09-15T06:00:00.000-07:002006-09-15T06:01:53.973-07:00

and pointed at my suede jacket."You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" she sneered.I replied in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."

Thought Minionnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6147062.post-1158237872373366062006-09-14T05:43:00.000-07:002006-09-14T05:44:32.386-07:00

was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked.The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."The driver finally found a square

Thought Minionnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6147062.post-1158142081387724482006-09-13T03:06:00.000-07:002006-09-13T03:08:01.396-07:00

Pfizer Corp is making the announcement today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola Bottling Group as a power beverage, suitable for use as-is, or a mixer, under the name "Mount and Do."Pepsi's proposed ad campaign suggests:"It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one."

Thought Minionnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6147062.post-1158068165662178932006-09-12T06:34:00.000-07:002006-09-12T06:36:05.740-07:00

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train set in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son yell "All you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now, because this is the last stop! All of you sons of bitches that are getting on, get your asses in the train cause were leaving". The mother went in and told her son, "we

Thought Minionnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6147062.post-1157985329566226712006-09-11T07:33:00.000-07:002006-09-11T07:35:29.580-07:00

Owner of Perfect House Lives in CarSeptember 18, 2002 - Baltimore, USAIn fear of possibly disturbing the perfection that is his house, Donald Manison has been forced to live in his 1998 Dodge Caravan.“I became obsessive, everything in the house was so photo-perfect that I was eventually scared of walking on the carpet in fear that I might disturb the direction of the carpet threads.”Magazines

Thought Minionnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6147062.post-1157902277471431812006-09-10T08:29:00.000-07:002006-09-10T08:31:17.490-07:00

Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it forever. Buy a cat a present and it will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes.Although cats are rather delicate creatures, and they are subject to a good many ailments, I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.Dogs and cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.Dog's have owners. Cat's

Thought Minionnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6147062.post-1157811861567093522006-09-09T07:23:00.000-07:002006-09-09T07:24:21.600-07:00

at a baseball game (whose head gear partially blocked the view), three men decided to badger the nuns in an effort to get them to move.In a very loud voice, the first guy said, "I think I'm going to move to Utah, there are only 100 nuns living there."The second guy spoke up and said, "I want to go to Montana, there are only 50 nuns living there."The third guy said, "I want to go to Idaho, there

Thought Minionnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6147062.post-1157721234328674232006-09-08T06:13:00.000-07:002006-09-08T06:18:01.456-07:00

Employer: "In this job we need someone who is responsible."Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."

Thought Minionnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6147062.post-1157638677140642272006-09-07T07:16:00.000-07:002006-09-07T07:17:57.156-07:00

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will,

Thought Minionnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6147062.post-1157549254962452812006-09-06T06:24:00.000-07:002006-09-06T06:27:34.980-07:00

went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried

Thought Minionnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6147062.post-1157470910157083672006-09-05T08:38:00.000-07:002006-09-05T08:41:50.176-07:00

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?WITNESS: July 18th.ATTORNEY: What year?WITNESS: Every year. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: And in what ways

Thought Minionnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6147062.post-1157384849420406872006-09-04T08:44:00.000-07:002006-09-04T08:47:29.433-07:00

and we all could use more calm in our lives. By following the simple advice I heard on a Dr. Phil show, I have finally found inner peace. Dr. Phil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace was to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I started and hadn't finished; and before leaving the house this morning I finished a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of

Thought Minionnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6147062.post-1157295354027253682006-09-03T07:54:00.000-07:002006-09-03T07:55:54.066-07:00

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double pane energy-efficient kind. Then, this week I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them. Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking

Thought Minionnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6147062.post-1157203566523134272006-09-02T06:25:00.000-07:002006-09-02T06:30:03.136-07:00

and Lena clutched her heart and fell to the sidewalk. Ole got out his cell phone and called 9-1-1.The Operator said "Where are you?"Ole answered, "We were walking and Lena is on the sidewalk on Eucalyptus Street." The operator asked, "How do you spell that?" The phone seemed to go dead. The operator kept shouting for Ole. She could hear him panting. He finally came back on line and

Thought Minionnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6147062.post-1105791788311483982005-01-15T04:16:00.000-08:002005-01-15T04:26:01.116-08:00

thank you for calling (Grocery Store), this is Amy, how can I help you?" "Hi Amy, yes, I was wondering if you could look and see if you have something in stock?" "Yes we can, what is the item sir?" "Dehydrated Water." "Please hold for a moment, I'll get someone to look." ... "Can I help you?" "I was holding on the Dehydrated Water." "Oh, It'll be one more moment sir." "Okay, thank you."

Thought Minionnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6147062.post-1105193570837681952005-01-08T06:11:00.000-08:002005-01-08T06:12:50.836-08:00

with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." He sat down. The song leader then

Thought Minionnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6147062.post-1104640936503882642005-01-01T20:41:00.000-08:002005-01-01T20:42:16.503-08:00

with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter, "Want coffee." Waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up." The Indian drinks the coffee in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of animal to splatter everywhere, and then walks out. The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand pulling another male

Thought Minionnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6147062.post-1102455639097227052004-12-07T13:32:00.000-08:002004-12-07T13:40:39.096-08:00

the people who complain the most about not having enough time to do all their work are the same ones who always stop and carry on a conversation about how they don't have enough time to do all their work.

Thought Minionnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6147062.post-1099595376192961922004-11-04T11:05:00.000-08:002004-11-04T11:09:36.193-08:00

and I says to my better half, 'Baby, hurt me like you mean it.'" She looked at me for a second and then said, "Okay, I'm in love with your brother, I'm moving out today, and I'm taking the dog!"

Thought Minionnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6147062.post-1097590157832734342004-10-12T07:06:00.000-07:002004-10-12T07:09:17.833-07:00

1. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!" 2. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly. 3. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?" 4. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down. 5. Stand silent and motionless in the

Thought Minionnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6147062.post-1096983283362020292004-10-05T06:32:00.000-07:002004-10-05T06:34:43.363-07:00

$100,000 to pay for his daughter's college education. As the policeman, who also had a daughter in college, was leading him away in handcuffs, he said to the banker, "I have just one question for you. Where were you going to get the rest of the money?"

Thought Minionnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6147062.post-1091965412907435222004-08-08T04:39:00.000-07:002004-08-08T04:43:32.906-07:00

are sitting at the bar when the man says "Get this, last night while I was here with you guys, a burglar broke into my house." "Did he get anything?" one of his pals asked. "Yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken nuts." "How did that happen?" another pal asked. "The wife thought it was me coming home drunk," the man replied.

Thought Minionnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6147062.post-1091669330046966862004-08-04T18:26:00.000-07:002004-08-04T18:28:50.046-07:00

are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead saw her boyfriend buying flowers. The redhead sighed and said, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again." The blonde looked quizzically at her and said, "You don't like getting flowers from your boyfriend?" The redhead answered, "I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I

Thought Minionnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6147062.post-1090968259369860232004-07-27T15:41:00.000-07:002004-07-27T15:44:19.370-07:00

Can I address the court? Judge: Of course. Defendant: If I called you a son of a bitch, what would you do? Judge: I'd hold you in contempt and add an additional five days in jail. Defendant: What if I thought you were a son of a bitch? Judge: I can't do anything about that. There's no law against thinking. Defendant: In that case, I think you're a son of a bitch.

Thought Minionnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6147062.post-1089715639043145342004-07-13T03:46:00.000-07:002004-07-13T03:47:19.043-07:00

Bob received a free ticket to the Superbowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrived at the stadium he realized the seat was in the last row in the corner of the stadium. He was closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field! About halfway through the first quarter, Bob noticed an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50-yard line. He decided to take a chance and made his way

Thought Minionnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6147062.post-1089021847916793172004-07-05T02:58:00.000-07:002004-07-05T03:04:07.916-07:00

are laying in bed. The man is almost asleep when his wife says, "Do you remember when we used to hold hands?" He reaches over and holds her hand. He closes his eyes and just about when he's asleep again... "Do you remember when we would have those special kisses?" He moves over and shares some kisses with her. Once again, he starts to head off to sleep... "Do you remember when you would

Thought Minionnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6147062.post-1088201050164433302004-06-25T15:03:00.000-07:002004-06-25T15:04:10.163-07:00

that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities. The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed. "Looks

Thought Minionnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6147062.post-1088030651249307492004-06-23T15:42:00.000-07:002004-06-25T15:02:51.676-07:00

A three legged dog is walking down the middle of the road with a shotgun in his hand. Someone asked him what the shotgun was for. "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw"

Thought Minionnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6147062.post-1087511532412704252004-06-17T15:30:00.000-07:002004-06-17T15:32:12.413-07:00

when there is a knock at the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's 3:30 in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing on the porch. It didn't take the homeowner

Thought Minionnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6147062.post-1087258748526778692004-06-14T17:18:00.000-07:002004-06-14T17:19:08.526-07:00

when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said "WHERE AM I?" in

Thought Minionnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6147062.post-1087147676535017762004-06-13T10:25:00.000-07:002004-06-13T15:38:18.193-07:00

lying on stretchers next to each other. Outside the operating room, the first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?" The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous." The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's

Thought Minionnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6147062.post-1087041194872462342004-06-12T04:50:00.000-07:002004-06-12T04:53:14.873-07:00

decide it's time to learn how to swear. The eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, "Okay, you say 'ass' and I'll say 'hell'". All excited about their plan, they troop downstairs, where their mother asks them what they'd like for breakfast. "Aw, hell," says the eight-year-old, "gimme some Cheerios." His mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the room, and turns to

Thought Minionnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6147062.post-1086778219122289192004-06-09T03:49:00.000-07:002004-06-09T03:50:19.123-07:00

so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds." When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?" The blonde nodded, "I'll tell you though, I

Thought Minionnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6147062.post-1086432888612947972004-06-05T03:52:00.000-07:002004-06-05T03:54:48.613-07:00

are waiting for the flight to leave. The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilots' uniforms--both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin; but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously

Thought Minionnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6147062.post-1086344926556390032004-06-04T03:23:00.000-07:002004-06-04T03:28:46.556-07:00

"Welcome to McDonalds, how can i help you?" "Yes, I would like a large French Vanilla coffee please." "Sir, we don't have French Vanilla coffee." "okay, I would like a large French Vanilla cappuccino." "Will that be all?" "Yes." "Please drive around."

Thought Minionnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6147062.post-1086259322424982512004-06-03T03:40:00.000-07:002004-06-05T04:39:32.346-07:00

suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying his situation, he says to himself: "I'm screwed". There is a ray of light from the sky and a voice booms out: "No, you are not screwed. Pick up that stone in front of you and hit the chief on the head". So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to hit the chief on the head. Surrounding him are the 100

Thought Minionnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6147062.post-1085972222652127002004-05-30T19:54:00.000-07:002004-05-30T19:57:02.653-07:00

#10. Your hairdresser doesn't wash and clean your rear end. #9. You don't go for weeks without washing or brushing your hair. #8. Your hairdresser doesn't have to give you a sanitary trim. #7. Your hairdresser doesn't have to clean your ears. #6. Your hairdresser doesn't have to remove the boogies from your eyes. #5. You sit still for your hairdresser. #4. Your haircut doesn't

Thought Minionnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6147062.post-1085793416134779952004-05-28T18:13:00.000-07:002004-05-28T18:16:56.133-07:00

he can see a young boy walking down the hall. He seemed to have a check in one hand and two dollars in the other. The pizza man figured that was his tip until the boy pocketed the two dollars before opening the door. When the pizza man got the check, he noticed it was for the exact amount of the order. He asked the boy, somewhat hintingly, "were those two dollars a tip?" The boy said, "yep,

Thought Minionnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6147062.post-1085336586475175662004-05-23T11:18:00.000-07:002004-05-23T11:23:06.476-07:00

God met her at the gates and said, "You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking." The cat thought a minute and then said, "All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on." God said, "Say no more." Instantly, the cat had a huge fluffy pillow. A few days later, six mice were killed in an

Thought Minionnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6147062.post-1084572342719386252004-05-14T15:04:00.000-07:002004-05-14T15:05:42.720-07:00

"After all that money your father and I spent on braces, Mona, that's the biggest smile you can give us?"

Thought Minionnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6147062.post-1084011182733621572004-05-08T03:13:00.000-07:002004-05-08T03:17:31.983-07:00

Hello. I am the Happiness Fairy. I've sprinkled happy dust on you. So Smile dammit. This shit is expensive!!

Thought Minionnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6147062.post-1083382279642164352004-04-30T20:31:00.000-07:002004-04-30T20:35:38.606-07:00

What is the quickest way to double your money? ...Fold it in half...

Thought Minionnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6147062.post-1081805931585683472004-04-12T14:38:00.000-07:002004-04-12T14:42:45.373-07:00

"I want to visit that city... Japan"

Thought Minionnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6147062.post-1081036926592906652004-04-03T16:02:00.000-08:002004-04-03T16:05:48.653-08:00

A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

Thought Minionnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6147062.post-1080647061294798852004-03-30T03:44:00.000-08:002004-03-30T03:47:56.530-08:00

"...don't make me reach through this phone and give you the peace sign...."

Thought Minionnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6147062.post-1080520214322287262004-03-28T16:30:00.000-08:002004-03-28T16:33:47.763-08:00

On Saturday night, when your wife mentions "Hot oil, a little friction, and squealing", you tell her you'll have the car looked at first thing on Monday morning.

Thought Minionnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6147062.post-1080408535828865902004-03-27T09:28:00.000-08:002004-03-27T09:34:21.610-08:00

...the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?" "No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied. "Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the

Thought Minionnoreply@blogger.com0