"...don't make me reach through this phone and give you the peace sign...."

On Saturday night, when your wife mentions "Hot oil, a little
friction, and squealing", you tell her you'll have the car looked at
first thing on Monday morning.

...the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive."

"Will you spend it on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you nuts!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?!!" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up beer, gambling, golf, and sex."

'Why, of course,' comes the reply.

The first man then asks, 'Where are you from?'

'I'm from Ireland,' replies the second man.

The first man responds by saying, 'You don't say. I'm from Ireland too. Let's have another round to Ireland.'

'Of course,' replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks, 'Where in Ireland are you from?'

'Dublin,' comes the reply.

'I can't believe it,' says the first man, 'I'm from Dublin too. Let's have another drink to Dublin.'

'Of course,' replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks, 'What school did you go to?'

'St Mary's,' replies the second man, 'I graduated in 1962.'

'This is unbelievable,' the first man says. 'I went to St Mary's and I graduated in 1962 too.'

About that time, one of the regulars comes in and sits down at the bar.

'What's been going on?' he asks the barman.

'Nothing much,' replies the barman. 'The O'Malley twins are drunk again.'

"I can't believe you're the end result of several million years of evolution"

NEW STUDY OF OBESITY LOOKS FOR LARGER TEST GROUP.

TYPHOON RIPS THROUGH CEMETERY; HUNDREDS DEAD

...for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a farmyard of mules, jackasses, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."